


he shouldn't have seen

by fictionalrobin



Series: bulimic!Magnus [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Again, Angst, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Magnus, Jealous Alec, M/M, Magnus is hurt, Panick Attack, Protective Alec, Protective Alec Lightwood, Sadness, You Have Been Warned, and other fun stuff, bulimic!magnus, i love making him suffer, im sorry, magnus is sad, obvs, shower, yeah Magnus also has a panic attack in chapter 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-16 01:02:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12332355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalrobin/pseuds/fictionalrobin
Summary: the gang goes out to have fun, but Simon discovers something unpleasent(trigger warning: bulimia)





	1. Chapter 1

The air is warm with the sound of chatter and clinking glasses. All around the room, a thin mist of comfort is spread, coming from the varius occupied booths in the restaurant. It is a busy day at the Jade Wolf. Simon is seated snuggly between Izzy and Jace, all of them smilling at the story, Clary is in the midst of telling, with hands flailing around to illustrate her tale. It's rare that they all get to hang out like this; Simon, Clary, Jace, Izzy, Alec and Magnus. But after Valentine's death, things appeared to have finally calmed down in the shadow world, a factor Simon was ever so greatful for.

As Clary finished of her narrative, Magnus frowned and looked at his empty glass. 

"if you'll excuse me, I'll just go get a refill," he held up the glass for clearance. 

"sweet, could you get one for me as well?" Izzy smiled and absentminded slung her hair across her shoulder. 

"of course my dear," Magnus winked as he elegantly rose, letting go of Alec's hand in the process, and strutted off into the crowd.

"shouldn't you dial it back Izzy?" On the outside Jace sounded joking, but in his voice was an underlying layer of concern, signature for older brothers.

"nah," Izzy vawed him off with a jewelled hand "if Magnus can havce four drinks, so can I." 

As the subject fell on drinks, Simon bladder contracted and complained. Maybe he too had had a little too much to drink. 

"Magnus has over 300 years of drinking experience," Alec reminded her.

"details, details," the hair Izzy had swung back earlier, fell into her face again. 

"hey guys," Simon opened, "I really need to use the bathroom so if you could like, scoot over," he softly bumped Jace's knee with his. 

"Scoot over?" Jace chuckled, "who even says that?"

Simon only replied with an eyeroll, and manouvred his way out the booth. 

-

As Simon entered the men's bathroom, the buzzing sound of the restaurant cancelled out, replaced by the faint humming of flourescent lamps. He went over to an empty booth and began relieveing himself, taking his time to enjoy the quiet privacy. Not that he didn't enjoy spending time with his friends, quite the opposite actually. He hadn't laughed this hard in a long time.

His thoughts were cut off by a loud gagging noise, making him flinch, followed by a series of choking coughs.

The unmistakeble sound of someone throwing up.

Apprehensively, Simon zipped his pants up and leaned towards the gap between the wall of the bathroom, and the wooden platter which seperated the two stalls. Peering into the neighbour stall, he saw a dark figure leaned over the toilet bowl. The figure wipped two ringed fingers off in their black jeans, before getting up to exit the stall.

Non other than Magnus Bane then procceded to wash his hands, and walk out the bathroom, as if nothing had happened.

Was that?....no....no it couldn't...maybe Simon just interpreted it wrong, maybe Magnus vomited because of the alcohol.

"Magnus has over 300 years of drinking experience," 

Alec's words echoed in his thoughts, as well as the netural expression and straight posture of Magnus. 

He hadn't looked very drunk.

Holy shit

The weight of this discovery hardened in his throat. He swollowed the lump, unsure of what to do, before exiting the bathroom.

-

When he returned to the table, his everything was as merry as ever. Izzy was now sitting with a red cocktail, identical to the one Magnus was holding. When his eyes caught the warlock, something inside him crumbled. Seeing Magnus like that, chatting with Jace with his arm around Alec's waist.

Seeing him, seemingly okay,

But knowing, 

Knowing something was wrong, 

It was an odd feeling, kind of like keeping a secret, but not quite.

Without removing his gaze from Magnus, he got back into his seat. When he pushed past Izzy, the drink in her hand woobled, and some of it spilled on her shirt. 

"Simon!" She exclaimed "look what you made me do!"

As she attemted to remove the stain with a stray napkin, Alec and Jace hummed Taylor Swift, making Magnus giggle. 

The rest of the nigth carried out like this, with Simon continuesly casting glances as Magnus. This resulted in Alec pulling him aside, as they were about to leave. 

"hey, do you have a problem with my boyfriend?"

"wh-what? No!" Simon stuttered 

"don't lie to me, you've been starring at him all night!" Alec sneered back protectively

Simon then realised what he was implying.

"No! No! It's not like that! Not at all!" He violenty shook his head, "Look I....I saw something, in the bathroom." 

"wow, you really that perverted?"

"no! Not like that! Again... i saw Magnus....you know," Simon gestured with two fingers, not wanting to say it out loud. 

Alec's face immediatly contracted in concern.

"you sure?" 

"yes" he exclaimed "Well, i think so, I'm 78% sure. Maybe 79%" he mumbled

"yeah that's what i thought" Alec uttered, finally letting go of Simons arm. 

"hey I'm just telling you what I think I saw!" Simon defended himself. 

"excactly, what you think you saw," Alec was already half way out the door. 

Simon rubbed his arm, and followed him outside, where everyone else was getting ready to go home as well. The last thing he saw of Alec, was when he dissapeared through a portal, arm in arm with Magnus. He hoped Alec had taken his word seriously. If anyone could help Magnus, it was Alec.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> theres some fluff in this one idk...

as Alec steps from the cold streets of New York and through the portal to the loft, his brow furrows. the back of his throat tastes sour, as he replays his short conversation with Simon over and over again, glancing at his boyfriend. 

was Simon joking? 

if so it was one hell of a joke. this was Magnus he was talking about after all, Magnus's health. that was nothing to prank about. 

"baby?" His thoughts were cut off by the warlock, who'd apparently been saying something to him, judging by his questioning and slightly concerned expression. 

"s-sorry?" Alec stuttered apologetically "you were talking?" 

"uh, yes, I was just about to take a shower since I'm feeling kinda sticky," he smiled and gestured towards his sweaty skin, "I was wondering if, perhaps you would like to join me?" 

"yeah, that sounds nice," Alec returned his smile and pecked him on the forehead, "just a minute babe," 

"of course," Magnus striated towards the bathroom, taking of his rings as he went. 

as Magnus exited the room, Alec's face fell in concern, as he contemplated Simon's words. 

The vampire hadn't looked like he'd been joking. 

but Magnus, his beautiful, wonderful, amazing and perfect in every way Magnus, couldn't possibly be dealing with an eating disorder. 

no, he'd know. 

but then again, would he? he'd only known Magnus a couple of months, and he was over 300 years. how could he know anything. Alec sighed, doubt laying heavy on his tongue, and went to put his coat away, before heading for the shower. 

As he stepped into the bathroom, he was met by a wave of moist warmth, incaging his body in steam. He took of his clothes, and knocked on the shower door, requesting for it to open. He could see the brown silhouette of his boyfriend moving behind he blurred glass, and soon the shower-door slit aside for Alec to step in. 

As soon as he entered the shower, every bad feeling washed away with the warm water, and Magnus wrapped his arms around his waist to pull him closer. Alec squirmed slightly at the tickle, when Magnus nuzzled into the crock of his neck. For a while they just stood like that, listening to the water-drops drumming against the floor and hitting their skin. It wasn't the first time they'd stood like that, and it certainly wasn't the last. Alec took some time to just not exist. To just be in Magnus's warmth, and let the rest of the universe float away. 

"we better get moving, before we use up all the hot water," Magnus joked, voice slightly muffled against Alec's skin. 

"well you'll just magic up some more," Alec noted with a smile and kissed Magnus's damp hair, "my magic man." 

"magic man!?" Magnus spluttered, "oh my god!" He gasped in between the laughs. 

"I'm sorry I panicked okay!" Alec exclaimed, though he was laughing too. 

"yes," Magnus attempted to keep a straight face "It is I, the high magic man of Brooklyn," 

"magic man of Brooklyn..." Alec repeated, giggling to himself, "oh man, we should put that on a mug or something," he nodded, "yep, that's definetly gonna be your gift for  
Christmass." 

"shhhhh! Don't spoil my Christmass gift!" Magnus protested, "now I have no choice but to forcefully and violently wash your hair," he grabbed a bottle of shampoo and shot green paste at Alec, who instinctively covered his face with his hands. 

"Magnus no! Please! Have mercy!" He exclaimed, posing dramatically, which made Magnus laugh even further. 

"are you okay?" He breathlessly giggled. 

Alec smiled and removed a splat of shampoo from his forehead with a finger, before wiping it of in Magnus's hair. 

"yeah," he said, as he slit his hand down the side of Magnus's face to cup his check, " I am now," he leaned in to kiss Magnus, who gladly returned the gesture. 

"you wanna actually use this?" Magnus wiggled the shampoo bottle in his hand. 

"yes please," Alec smiled, leaning down a bit, so Magnus would have better access to his hair. 

As Magnus worked the soap into his hair, massaging his scalp and playing with the hairstrands, Alec felt himself relaxing more and more. The warmth of laughter was still settled nicely in his stomach, and it mixed pleassntly with Magnus's bodyheat, and the steamy shower temperature. He smiled a bit more, his hands slitting over the Magnus skin almost at their own will. 

There was nothing sexual about the touch, just simple love and appreciation for his partner. He let the hands wander a bit more, working their way over the other's shoulderblades in soothing circles, before letting them settle at the warlocks waist. 

Magnus smiled and peppered his face in small soft kisses, before brushing his hair back, so the shampoo could wash out, still twirling a few stray pieces of hair. As the soap was washed away with the hot water, Alec hummed, letting his head fall over to lean on Magnus's shoulder. 

"what are you doing? You're gonna get it in your eyes," 

Alec just hummed in return, pressing his face closer to Magnus's neck, as the soapy water ran into his eyes . 

"see? I told you," Magnus sighed, though it was impossible for him to hide the affection in his voice. 

"shut up," Alec mumbled into Magnus's skin, trying to hide his defeat, instead erning a chuckle from the other. 

"alright, but only if you wash my hair now," Magnus replied. 

"okay then," Alec smiled as he received the slightly sticky shampoo bottle and squirted some into the palm of his hand, working it into his lovers hair. 

Touching Magnus's hair was one of Alec's favourite things, whether it was when it was spiked up, during sex, or in the shower when it was soft and limp like this. It was rare he got to see Magnus like this, without make up and hair product, which was a shame for it was truly a beautiful sight. Not that Magnus wasn't always a beautiful sight. Either way Alec appreciated that Magnus felt comfortable enough with him to share this side of himself. 

"penny for your thoughts?" Magnus interrupted his thoughts, startling him slightly. 

"oh, nothing," Alec smiled "your just really pretty." 

Magnus's entire face lit up, like it always did when Alec complimented him, and he leaned up to kiss Alec. 

"why thank you darling." 

The rest of the bath went by in similar fashion, briefly interrupted by a soap fight and several make out sessions. 

"I think we should head to bed now," Alec pointed out, looking at his now slightly wrinkled fingertips. 

"yeah probably," Magnus agreed "I'll just fetch us some towels," the warlock slipped out of the shower, leaving Alec alone. 

As soon as Magnus was gone, all the bad thoughts came rushing back, like someone had ripped away a warm blanket, and he suddenly recalled Simon's words. 

"i saw Magnus....you know,"

An uncomfortable soup began stirring in his abdomen, filling him intestines with corrosion. He had to talk to Magnus about this. 

Speaking of Magnus, he had now returned to the bathroom with two fluffy towels, handing Alec one as he stepped out of the shower. They dried off and went to get some fresh clothes in the bedroom. 

"are you okay darling?" 

Alec was startled a bit, when Magnus asked him, as they put on pyjamas. 

"eh," 

"I'm sorry you've just been very quiet these past minutes," Magnus's gaze was curious but also slightly concerned. 

"Yeah, ehm," Alec sighed, and turned to face his boyfriend, "we need to talk," 

"wow, you're scaring me a little now Alexander," Magnus's voice was joking, but there was an underlying tone of fear, that Alec didn't miss. 

"no, it's fine, it's nothing like that," Alec comforted, but then hesitated, "well, it's not fine, it's actually pretty serious," he sat down on the bed. 

"Magnus," he swallowed the lump in his throat and looked directly at his boyfriend. He could see the confusion and fear painted in his gorgeous eyes, eyes that flickered between his. 

"do you...do you have an eating disorder?" 

Oh no 

Alec watched in despair, as every single one of Magnus's walls went up, evidenced by the slight tension around his eyes. A stranger might not have noticed, but Alec knew Magnus well enough to know, how he'd just lost any hope of approaching this safely. 

"thaha," it wasn't a real laugh. It was a dry desperate one, full of panick, "who- haha, what?" 

"Magnus-" 

"no-I don't.....I.....I..just, I....how," Magnus laughed that dry desperate laugh again 

"Magnus please-" 

"no shut up! I..I-I..." there was moment of hesitation where Magnus's gaze flickered wildly between Alec and the door. 

"Magnus!" But it was too late. Magnus had already sprinted for the door. 

Alec sighed as he heard the front door slamming. This was his fault. There was nothing he could do but give Magnus his space, and hope he would forgive Alec.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus has a panick attack here which is fun. just so you're warned  
> (also there's a small mentioning of child abuse, but it's very tiny)

Magnus ran. 

He ran down the cold, wet streets of New York, asphalt digging into his bare feet, and rain piercing his pajamas. 

He didn't know where he was going, he just had to get away. get away from all of it. From Alec. From confrontation. 

Confrontation of what? He was fine! Yes absolutely fine, which is why he was currently sprinting away from his apartment in the middle of the night wearing only sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. 

Coward. 

How weak were you, when you couldn't even handle one question? One person concerned for your health? 

Pathetic. 

But what could he do? One moment everything was blissfully normal, and the next it felt like his throat was filling with razor blades, and his lungs with posionous gas. 

He just had to, he had to get out. 

When Magnus finally stopped, it felt like his feet and thighs were slowly being crushed, and he leaned against a lamppost, trying not to fall over, as everything came crashing down on  
him, making his knees wobble even further. 

He didn't know when it'd first started. When the green monster had come. When everything started to taste bitter as soon as he swallowed it. 

Maybe it was back, when he was a child. 

That day, 

The day his parents found out what he was, and everything turned inside out and upside down. The day all the smiled turned into frowns, the hugs into harsh punches, and his mothers glowing eyes, into cold pieces of shattered glass. 

Maybe it'd just always been there, lingering in the shadows, like a cockroach hiding in the walls, waiting for the right time to strike. 

After everything, after Valentine, after loosing Alec. 

It'd been too much. 

And then he'd thought back to his teenage years, how the burning sensation of vomit, had always seemed to calm him down, those days where everything felt too sharp and too loud and too bright. It's strange how those kind of things just suddenly come back to you, when you feel your shittiest shit. 

Everything went downhill from there. He couldn't stop it, no matter what he did he just couldn't, even though he tried. 

He was too weak. 

Weak. 

His knees finally gave up, and he fell to the wet ground, clinging to the lamppost, like a child holding on to their mother's arm. 

Shaking, half from the cold, and half from the tears streaming down his cheeks, he got his phone out of his pocket. As he turned it on, he caught a glimpse of the time, before quickly swiping to his contacts. It was almost morning. What a strange little thing to notice, when everything felt so dark. 

When he opened the call app, he almost automatically scrolled up to Alec's name, and his throat closed in, as he stopped himself from clicking the icon. He tried to take a deep breath,  
only to have more trembles run through his body like strikes of thunder. He desperately tried again, heaving through windpipes, that felt like they were slowly filling with cement, but no oxygen came with the gulpy inhales, only cold rain, and even more trembles. 

He couldn't breath. 

He couldn't breath 

The phone slipped out of his hand, and hit the ground, but everything felt so far away. His skin was tingling like it was covered in millions of tiny ants, and his ears and throat was stuffed with cotton, turning everything into a dull echo. 

"Magnus!" 

The voice was so tiny, and so muffled by the loud ringing in his head, it might not even be real. 

"help..." He tried to scream, but all that came out was a tiny gasp, "hey.......hey, please someone, please help me..." 

As the edges of his vision turned darker, he saw a slim figure run towards him. 

Then he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was short


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda based off 'I need u' by BØJET, recommend you listen to that while reading this for that extra feels™, but you could also like not idk it's not like i care or anything (is this how you play hard to get?)

_"Magnus!"_

_Faint silhouettes of light, bending and twisting in the dark, like paint swirling together on a mixing palette._

_"Oh my god! Are you okay?"_

_Something touched his face, something cold and wet, but everything felt slow and distant, like he was under water, and reality kept slipping away between his fingers._

_"call someone!"_

Suddenly, he was violently pulled out of the water.

His eyes flew open, but then immediately squeezed shut again, as harsh white light stabbed at his eyes. After recovering from the shock, he slowly lifted his lids, blinking a few times, as his pupils finally adjusted to the lighting.

He was in a bed. An unknown one, in a just as unknown room. The light that had previously blinded him, turned out to be coming from a rain-covered window next to the bed.

He tried to sit up, only to have the entire world wobble, like it was made of jelly, and quickly laid down again, waiting for the black spots to stop dancing in front of his eyes. His head felt like someone was repeatedly hammering a mace over it.

"you're awake."

He turned his attention towards the effeminate voice, discovering Isabelle in the doorway.

"yeah, I think so," he cringed at how weak, his voice sounded, and rubbed his face in an attempt to shake himself up. He couldn't allow Izzy to see him like this, to see him this weak.

"how are you feeling?" Izzy's voice was soft with a hint of sadness, the tone you use towards a sick child.

Damn it.

"eh, kind of like I was hit by a car." He replied. Actually he felt like he'd been hit by 16 cars, but there was no need to mention that,

"was I?"

Izzy's brow furrowed for a moment.

"you don't remember?"

Then she shook her head, before Magnus had a chance to reply,

"no of course you don't," she walked farther into the room as she spoke, sitting down on his bed, "Clary forgot her jacket at Jade Wolf last night, so we went to get it. We found you barely conscious on the street, as we were heading back." She looked at him, dark eyes filled with detained concern,"we were still close to the Jade Wolf, so we brought you here."

"oh," Magnus could tell by her gaze, that Izzy wanted an explanation, and he prepared himself to lie.

"Alec said, you guys had a fight."

Huh.

Apparently not.

"uh...y-yeah," he replied, grabbing the opportunity to get away from confrontation without having to explain.

Apparently Izzy mistook his surprise for sadness, and gave him a pity-filled smile.

"hey, it's going to be okay; you guys have been through worse."

Magnus decided to play along, which wasn't very hard, since thinking of the incident last night, actually did make him feel guilty. Sad, but mostly guilty. He shouldn't have run away like that. He shouldn't have been such a coward.

"….a-actually, can I.....can I talk to him?"

He at least had to make it up to Alec. He could beat himself up over it later, but Alec had to be okay.

"yes, of course," Izzy confirmed, fishing her phone out of her pocket, and handing it to him.

Magnus moved to sit up, though a bit more cautiously this time, and waited for Izzy to leave. When she didn't attempt to get up, he cleared his throat, which resulted in a small compilation of "oh, yes, of course, sorry," as she finally left the room.

Magnus took a deep breath, pushing back the anxiety, and typed Alec's number. As the hollow dial tone resonated through the phone and into his head, he starred at the raindrops, making there way down the dirty window-glass with only occasional stops. It wasn't raining anymore, but the world outside was still covered in a sheen of water, dulling all colors down to a dark echo of their original opacity.

The dial tone came to a sudden end, and was replaced by Alec's voice.

"Hello?"

"Alec," He couldn't hide the sadness in his voice, no matter how hard he tried.

"Magnus!" It was a sigh A small, relived, but tired sigh, and Magnus swallowed the lump, that yet again formed in his throat.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, I should never had just....just," Alec spoke like he'd committed the worst of crimes, and his voice too was turning into wet sandpaper.

"no..it's...it's me, I overreacted," Magnus stuttered, fighting the emotions in his chest.

"no, please, please, please don't do that. Don't blame this on yourself," Alec's tone turned slightly desperate, and he took a shaky breath to calm himself,

"it's just....god I...I hate it when you don't talk to me, and I hate it when you just shut yourself in like that," the words poured out of Alec's mouth, like he'd lost control of them,"but mostly I hate myself for not noticing, 'cause it's like, do I even care?"

Magnus remained silent, listening to his boyfriends emotional speech. Partly because he knew that Alec needed to get this out, and partly because he was too stunned by the raw, desperate honesty in his voice to reply.

"and, and-" Alec was caught off by a chocking sob, "I'm your fucking boyfriend god damn it, I should know about this stuff, and I should help you get through it, and I want to do that, I really do, but, I don't know how. So, you have to tell me," Alec spoke in a staccati voice, that fell to a high-pitched whisper, "please, Magnus, tell me what to do."

Magnus tried to speak, but all that came out was a strangled sob.

"I love you."

He tried to say more. Tried to tell Alec how amazing he was, how he deserved so much more than Magnus, someone who actually could give him what he was worthy of, and not just some broken mess for him to fix. Magnus gasped as tears burned their way down his face.

"I-I love you too," Alec sounded almost out of breath, "I love you too."

For a while they just sat in silence, tears forming wet ribbons down the side of Magnus's face, identical to the raindrops on the window.

"M-Magnus?" Alec sounded so tiny, like he was afraid someone would hurt him, "I...I need to ask you something....Was it something.....something that I did?"

Magnus sucked a breath in at that,

"no Alec, no, no not at all," the tears rained hard and painfully from his eyes, "don't," he took a deep breath, like a swimmer about to jump in the water, "You...you're so beautiful, and you don't belong in something this ugly."

Alec let out a small noice, an oddly beautiful blend of a sigh of awe and a painful sob,

"I want to be. I want to help you. I want-I want you."

"okay," Magnus sniffled and wiped the tears from his checks. His head still hurt, and his nose and eyes felt clocked and achy. He probably looked like shit too.

But he doesn't care.

He doesn't care, because he just gave his heart to Alec, ripped it out of his rib cage, and handed him too it, all bloody and messy.  
And Alec had taken it, and handed back his own in return.

"okay," he repeats, silently, and more to himself than Alec. A warm feeling is slowly forming in his chest, melting away the ball of anxiety in his throat, and he allows himself to smile. A tiny tired smile.

Things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it for this fic, thx for reading. don't be afraid to toss me some prompts on here or on my tumblr @lord-robin, I promise I won't bite.  
> also i just wrote a part two if ur intrested or whatevr


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